What is Mindfulness?
- By Renee Balcom
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- 08 Sep, 2015
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The term “mindfulness” is heard a lot these days. There are endless books, cd’s, articles, and many presentations on Youtube that talk about mindfulness. Here in the U.S., there are countless businesses, corporations, government agencies, medical facilities, prisons, schools (elementary as well as universities) that teach mindfulness practices. In my practice as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I teach techniques that involve mindfulness-based skills to reduce stress and anxiety and help heal from trauma. So, in this blog, I will briefly define “mindfulness” and how cultivating this state can be beneficial.
Mindfulness practice is inherited from the Buddhist tradition. People often mistake mindfulness and meditation as being somehow associated with Buddhism as a religion or other Eastern religions. (Meditation is but one method used to develop mindfulness). Although this may be true for those who follow the teachings of Buddha, the practice of being mindful and even meditating does not necessarily have spiritual or religious ramifications or connections. I like Jon Kabat-Zinn’s definition of mindfulness:
“Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way; on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally.”
Jon Kabat-Zinn is a very well know teacher and scholar. He is one of the central founders of the science of mindfulness. Jon Kabat-Zinn is also the founding director of the Stress Reduction Clinic and the Center for Mindfulness in Medicine, Health Care, and Society at the University of MassachusettsMedicalSchool.
What is so important about being in the present moment? We have 60,000 to 80,000 thoughts a day. Most of these are thoughts we have had before and many are negative due to the hardwiring of our brains. When we are not in the present moment, we are essentially in a state of mindlessness: Our attention and awareness capacities are scattered due to preoccupation with past memories or future plans and worries, leading to a limited awareness and attention to experiences in the present moment [1]. Being here and now, and accepting the NOW with equanimity, brings much serenity and peace.
Notice I did not say equanimity brings happiness. Although it certainly can (and will), the goal is not happiness because that state is fleeting and usually based on outward circumstances that are forever changing. Equanimity is an internal experience that is characterized by:
- Softening rather than tightening
- Allowing rather than grasping
- Accepting rather than rejecting
- Loving rather than aggressive
- Making peace with oneself rather than fighting. [2]
What does it mean to be “nonjudgmental”? Jon Kabbat-Zinn states this simply means to suspend judgment about how judgmental you are. Of course, we will have opinions, judgments, thoughts, feelings, etc. but if we can consider them as background noise and let them go as they pass through our mind, they will not be able to take root and pull us away from the present moment.
I hope this has helped to explain what all this talk about “mindfulness” is about. In future blogs, I will explore different aspects as well as talk further about the benefits of mindfulness and meditation.
- Black, D.S. (2011). A Brief Definition of Mindfulness. Mindfulness Research Guide. Retrieved from http://www.mindfulexperience.org/resources/brief_definition.pdf
- Young, S. (2009). Mindfulness-Based Awareness Skills for Emotional Well-Being: Therapeutic Intervention for Mood, Anxiety and Emotional Turmoil. Course Workbook.
I recently watched on You Tube a Britain's Got Talent audition. The male vocalist brought tears to the judges and I'm sure to most of the audience. It was very touching and tears were so fitting. As the judges were speaking to the contestant, they kept saying, "I'm sorry" as they wiped away their tears. And the contestant did as well.
It reminded me of just how often we feel a need to apologize for crying - for outwardly, honestly and trustingly sharing our sadness, grief, etc. So why is this?
Most of us, from a very young age, are given explicit or implicit messages such as: Be strong; boys (especially) don't cry; crying makes others uncomfortable; I will loose control if I cry; I can't be vulnerable. All these distorted beliefs lead to the final: I won't allow myself to go there.
I know people who allow the tears to flow and I can say that I am genuinely comfortable with just allowing whatever comes up to be. (Good thing considering what I do for a living). I admire and respect them beyond words. So, here is my confession: I am not so free in letting MY tears fall. I have allowed myself to believe in some of the falsehoods about letting our sadness, or being touched by something, to be expressed. Yes, I do tear up watching movies, hearing and sharing my clients’ pain. I even tear up, rather frequently, seeing beautiful things unfold in nature. Not Kleenex worthy though.
When it comes to the sobbing type of crying, I won't go there, even when that which I am processing would be acknowledged and honored in so doing. For me, it goes back to the big "T"....Trust...Trust that I will not forever be feeling bereft, broken, and helpless and essentially, a total mess with no ability to reclaim balance, and at least, a measure of peace.
I know where this false belief comes from. That is an intellectual insight and good to know. Also what is intellectually helpful is that I have been that total "mess" many times in my life and then all became well. But intellect is not enough. It goes back to those same themes:
~Self acceptance
~Self compassion
~Self forgiveness
~Self love
What would it feel like to embody and embrace these concepts even 50% of the time? Can you imagine the freedom we would experience in our lives? We could laugh, cry, express (safely), be still, and be in the moment, give, receive, giggle, cuddle, smile, frown and, well just BE.
What a concept, a wonderful, beautiful concept.
I say “recovering” because it has definitely been an ongoing journey. And I can say definitively my recovery is going very well.
So, what is it that I am “recovering” from? The need to be in control of everything, even obviously insignificant things. Makes me sound crazy and believe me, it was/is crazy-making! Not only did I annoy those around me, I was annoyed at myself. At times I came across as bossy, irritable, ungrateful and unnecessarily opinionated (or all of the above concurrently). What I experienced consistently was internal unrest and agitation, emotionally, mentally and even physically.
Over the years of studying about attachment challenges, neuroscience and the Enneagram, I have learned about what drives this need to be in control. The answer is simple: Fear...Fear of the unknown; of not being good enough; of not being able to “fix” it; of feeling difficult emotions; of loss of any kind. And for me, the most powerful contributor to my fear was non acceptance of what is.
Working with my close friend and co-founder of Warrior’s Soul Inc., Dawn Batti (and of course the wise equines), I began to learn about SELF acceptance. This was such a foreign concept to me. As I began to actually internalize and live this concept, my drive to be in control began to wane.
What does self-acceptance have to with not needing to be control? Here, the answer is not so simple. But this is what I have come up with that works for me: When I can accept me, ALL of me, I can move that acceptance into what is going on around me. That translates into not needing to change, for example, what others are doing and how they are doing it or trying to change how they are thinking and realizing there are other ways to get things done other than my way. ALLOWING is the key.
Trust of course plays a huge role in relinquishing fear and the need for the temporary fix of “control”. I am thankful to be in my mid 60’s because age invites one to be mindful and contemplative. And what I have chosen to invite into my life is the concept of TRUST. Trust of myself, of others and of Spirit.
I will be writing more about this notion of trust. It’s a complex issue on many levels for all of us humans. And it is a theme that keeps showing up in my life.
